The official student news site of Norristown Area High School

The Wingspan

The official student news site of Norristown Area High School

The Wingspan

The official student news site of Norristown Area High School

The Wingspan

New ‘Elf on the Shelf’ Surveillance Program to Curb Bathroom Gatherings

Maci Jordan

In order to address the abundance of students congregating in the bathrooms, Norristown administration stationed an Elf on the Shelf inside the 3rd-floor boy’s bathroom near stairwell 4 last Friday. Though this decision was never publicly announced, upon return on Jan. 2nd, every bathroom will house an Elf on the Shelf, officially initiating the 37th NAHS program designed to improve school climate. This increase in programs is exactly why the school has become a newsworthy school, even reaching the top of the 2023 Nice List, according to WingSPAM sources in the North Pole.
“The staff here used to be on the naughty list, but once they introduced hall sweeps they rocketed above even Mother Theresa,” said Santa Claus.
NAHS staff decided to honor Santa’s own mantra by using the Elves to “see you when you when you’re vaping and know when you’re having a picnic on the dirty bathroom floor”. If the Elves notice anything in violation of the N-Book’s code of conduct, they will jingle a bell alarm to alert security to their position. Once the security, arrive they will escort any students to a TPR (Temporary Placement Room) where the apprehended students will receive a handful of coal and be put on NAHS’s own naughty list. Students and staff near the 3rd-floor boy’s bathroom have reported hearing the bell ring for hours at a time.
“We’ve already seen a 32% increase in students sent to a TPR,” said Assistant Principal Ray Salmonman. “And we’re confident that we’ll see a 100% increase as Valentine’s Day approaches.”
This implementation has been so successful that teachers have been petitioning to implement a new “Elf Buddy” system, which aims to decrease the amount of students skipping classes in the hallway. With this program in place, every student would be required to take an Elf with them outside of the classroom when they are going to the library, nurse, or the back of the cafeteria during A lunch. Each classroom would only have a single Elf meaning only one student can leave at a time.
Unlike the current E-Hallpass system, the Elves will shriek ‘All I Want for Christmas’ making it easier to locate disobedient students, regardless of whether they are taking a lap or making out in the stairwell.
“I can’t wait to hear about all the things I never wanted to know,” said Kinesiology teacher Staylin Still.
Some staff members even want to use Elves for other school functions. The most popular idea is introducing Elf bus drivers to compensate for the current bus driver shortage. Another popular suggestion is to initiate a breakfast program that would involve Elves baking warm cookies during the winter mornings. There have even been rumors of teachers already using Elves to grade papers on time.
At time of press, every school in the nation has rushed to implement their own Elf programs causing an Elf shortage.

The following article is a work of satire, a literary work that uses humor, exaggeration, and irony to mock, criticize, or poke fun at a social or political trend.  All facts, details, quotes, and statistics are made up by the author.

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About the Contributor
Mamadou Bah, Editor-In-Chief
Hi, my name is Mamadou Bah this is my fourth year on the wingspan. The wingspan is super fun and a great experience with great people. Hope to see some of you here! And also be nice!

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  • M

    Ms. BolinskyDec 22, 2023 at 2:06 pm

    This is the funniest thing I’ve read all read! I laughed out loud throughout the entire article. Bravo!

  • M

    Mr. BucciDec 22, 2023 at 8:41 am

    This is probably my favorite Wingspan article ever! It’s not only funny, but it faithfully follows the format of traditional news stories and other well-done satirical news. You’ve got it all. It’s truly excellent work!