Singles Everywhere Rejoice in Complaint this Valentine’s Day


Zahir Tranks and Duyen To

As Valentine’s Day rolls around the corner, single people all over the world will celebrate their solidarity in the comforts of their rooms. 

Statistics from 2015 to 2020 have shown that a rise of 2000% of singles complain that the holiday serves no purpose, according to an article by youcannotbelievthis.rog. Dr. Solitary, the head scientist at LUVcorp, stated, “Under some extreme and inhuman testing, we have determined that single people feel 50% more obligated to let the entire world know that they are and will remain single on Valentine’s day.” 

Even the love bug himself, Cupid, has been facing complications with match-making lately. The sentient overgrown baby is on the brink of retiring. “Lub in dis worwd is dying, and dere is nothing I can do abouwt it,” he said. “I shooty people with dese Lub awows but it– like evewywon wants to be single” he adds in a tantrum. Eventually, he got too out of control and was last seen with his warm apple juice before he went night-night. 

 “People whine about how much Valentine’s Day sucks – people who have nothing to do just talk about their sucky day,” said Nayquan Pugh in her viral clickbait article Top 10 Reasons to Hate Valentine’s Day.  The article has accumulated over 4.8 million viewers. 

“People who find an absence of love and affection in their lives often feel as though it is the fault of the world,” commented Yoùr Mumé, who has experienced what it truly means to be lonely on Valentine’s Day. “In turn, they blame it on the world” she adds, bringing justification for single people.

It is evident that people who are single tend to complain about their lonely lives, according to recent research collected by Wingspam’s very own love professors. The team of highly skilled data collectors conducted an experiment at Norristown High. 

Students who are in and are not in a relationship were questioned and interviewed. 99% of the students that were interviewed sobbed uncontrollably about how lonely they will be this holiday, causing distractions within the school. Even though their close friends were usually there to smack their heads to remind them that they do not need a significant other to feel loved on Valentine’s Day. The other 1%, who identified as being in a relationship made out in the halls instead of answering our reasonable question, signifying how in love they were with one another, even if they had only just started dating within the past two days.

A few of the couples boasted about their partners giving them grand and luxurious presents, hinting that if they don’t, more than just disappointment will be shown that day. Couples from the research expressed how they enjoyed giving and receiving gifts on Valentine’s Day. “Presents show how much he truly cares for me,” said freshman, Infatuatia Allermahria Jonnes. “The more expensive they are, the more my love grows,” she added.

According to officialeverything.rog, the only way to prove your love to someone is through meaningless presents, below average food, and public indecency. 

Unfortunately, presents don’t hold meaning unless there is a special someone to give them to. Many studies have concluded that 123% of people enjoy receiving chocolates as a gift. Youcannotbelievethis.rog published an article that showed 9/10 people loved getting chocolates as a present. Yearly, 333% of singles have been indulging themselves in sugary treats around this holiday season, bringing food corporation revenues up by 10% and discounted chocolate sales by 7,000,000%. 

A study Dravrah University conducted in 2018 showed that getting into a relationship can improve your condition of being single by 100%. “When in a relationship, you are not single and therefore have no reason to complain,” said Dravrah’s distinguished professor, Stephanie Hawkins. “Having a lack of intimate human interaction can cause people to overreact.”

Icomplain.moc is an online forum that allows anyone with access to the internet to complain about their everyday problems. When looking at the statistics, a whopping 1% of users complained about being lonely for Valentine’s Day. Many of the icomplain users posted about how Valentine’s Day is just a shallow holiday where people express fake, lifeless interest in another person by wasting money on pointless gifts that would, in the words of one user, “be thrown out in a week and or eaten in an hour.” It has been identified that people who complain about being single lack the emotional aptitude to form complex relationships and feel the need to justify their disconsolate lives by shaming others. 

Although there are many studies that prove that single people complain the most when it comes to the day of love, statistics and logistics have shown that couples who are in a relationship also complain on the holiday. 

 “Why do so many single people complain about being lonely? Just get a relationship, periodt. It’s not that hard. All this negative energy and vibez coming from loners ruin my perfect relationship with the love of my life, no CAP!” said senior Charlier McHappy, who reportedly just asked sophomore Ashley Indifference to be his girlfriend.

Scientists and researchers have yet to determine what it is about Valentine’s Day that causes people to be bothersome. “We will get to the bottom of this,” said Dr. Solitary “Once we do we will ensure that all people, single or not, will have nothing to complain about.”