Turkey Explains Why We Should All Get Vaccinated

WingSPAM

Turkey+Explains+Why+We+Should+All+Get+Vaccinated

Mamadou Bah and Hope Rose Mauch

Thanksgiving has finally returned! Even though it never left… But who cares let’s eat a bird! After we interview a completely unrelated turkey… for fun… Last Thanksgiving we interviewed a real-life turkey about the correct way to hold a Thanksgiving Dinner during a Pandemic. This year we continued the tradition of interviewing our friend, the turkey.

 

WingSpam: Hello, Mr.Turkey thank you for taking the time to talk to us! This is your what, fourth time being interviewed?

Mr. Turkey: Actually, it is my third time. Thank you for having me. 

WS: Are you excited to be able to see your family for Thanksgiving this year?

Mr. T: Actually, this year I am still having Thanksgiving over Zoom due to most of my family still being unvaccinated. I did not want to spread Covid-19 to any of them. 

WS: I thought that the CDC said it was ok to get together even if you’re unvaccinated? 

Mr. T: The CDC did say to avoid close contact with those who are unvaccinated, but I still don’t feel comfortable hosting a dinner party where a family member could potentially get sick. 

WS: Yeah, but it’s fine if it’s just family right?

Mr.T: No, the only real way to be safe is to get vaccinated.

WS: But what if the vaccines are too expensive to reasonably buy?

Mr.T: Every clinic can give you the vaccine for free. 

WS: But you have to make an appointment. I don’t want to have headaches just to see my family.

Mr.T: Unless you are going to a doctor or pharmacy,  you don’t have to make an appointment. When you do have to make the appointment, it is all online. You don’t have to talk to anyone and you can see all the open appointments. It is super easy!  

WS: How do you know we can trust something that can get rid of something so dangerous so effortlessly? There has to be some kind of catch. 

Mr.T: This vaccine wasn’t developed overnight, hard-working scientists developed this vaccine over years. There are some side effects, usually within 24 hours, but it helps keep you and others around you safe. 

WS: You don’t really believe that do you? They were obviously made in Government Labs.

Mr. T:  I do believe that. They were made by people who know what they are doing.  They just want the best for us and our families. 

WS: So you’re buying into this whole government conspiracy!

Mr.T: Conspiracy? Even if this was a conspiracy it’s not like you have to do anything drastic. Just wear your mask and stay distanced or get vaccinated. You can even video chat with your family instead.

WS: Why? Don’t you want us to have a good Thanksgiving? Are you trying to oppress us?

Mr. T: I do want us to have a good Thanksgiving,  but I want everyone to be safe and healthy before we all get together. And no I am not trying to oppress you, I am trying to keep you safe. 

WS: You obviously don’t understand the gravity of this situation. There’s turkey at stake! 

Mr.T: No YOU don’t understand the gravity of this situation! Just wear a mask and stay distanced.

WS: But no one in my family has been coughing! We should be able to meet up without all the restrictions!

Mr. T: They might have Covid, people can be asymptomatic, and even if you test negative you can still be a carrier of the disease. 

WS: How would you even know, HMMMM?

Mr.T: I have done my research and I listen to science.   

WS: You talk a lot about the vaccine for a guy who supposedly doesn’t work for the government. 

Mr.T: I do not work for the government. I am a simple, farm-raised turkey 

WS: Yeah sure, I’m sure you also don’t make fake vaccines in your basement to sell to the public, right?

Mr.T: The vaccines aren’t fake, they’re not made in basements, and they don’t cost money!!!

WS: That is what a government zombie would say. Since the vaccine turns everyone into zombies. 

Mr.T: How am I supposed to talk to you when you say things like this?!

WS: Ah-ha! So you don’t even know what to say! You see? All lies!!! You are a zombie!! 

Mr:T: Wha- how

WS: I’ve got you now, mutant! AND your little zombie-making viruses! I bet you your little red thing is fake too!

Mr.T: I thought we were talking about safety measures, not insulting my beautiful wattle.

WS: I bet you weren’t even a turkey until you took the vaccine!

Mr.T: We’ve been meeting since 2019!!

WS: You yourself said the vaccine took years to make!!!! You were the first test subject!! 

Mr.T: There are so many things wrong with that sentence that I don’t even know where to start. Can you guys do your research?

WS: Are you acting like this because you are actually a zombie? It’s okay, we can start a support group. 

Mr.T: I am not a zombie, I never have been one and never will be one. The vaccine does not cause anyone to turn into zombies.  

WS: Well guess what, Mr. Mutant Turtle? We don’t care! We have our OWN way to cure the virus! No vaccine needed! And it’s waaaay more effective.

Mr.T: And how will you plan to cure the virus? 

WS: First you must take a spiritual hike up Mount Kilimanjaro and take one pearly white rock. Then you must visit a siren and give her the rock in exchange for one of her scales. Then you must visit the Three-Headed dog Fluffy while in the presence of a total solar eclipse and feed him the scale at the exact moment the sun and moon align. If done correctly he will then tell you his shopping list- er mystical ingredients of knowledge. Cholesterol, sodium chloride, and sucrose. 

Mr.T: Aren’t those some of the ingredients in the Pfizer vaccine?

WS: Then you combine all the ingredients in a bowl to create the ultimate healing paste that will save you from every virus ever!

Mr.T: You know that’s impossible, right?

WS: Nothing is impossible if you believe.

Mr.T: Oh brother. Well, could you at least believe that the vaccine works?

WS: Alright, we’ll pretend for just a second that the vaccine wor- oh my goodess.

Mr.T: What, WHAT?!

WS: My eyes are open to the truth! 

Mr.T: Actually, your eyes are still closed from imagining this.

WS: I feel so much safer! Wow, the government ISN’T always watching us? Is this how you feel?

Mr.T: Not really. I just believe in science, not magical quests. 

WS: Should I open my eyes?

Mr.T: Uh, sure?

WS: Well that was… something.

Mr.T: Soo… How do you feel about vaccines?

WS: Do you mean those lies the government agents create to track us, citizens?

Mr. T: Oh my egg! You’re hopeless!

WS: You know what, you’ve wasted enough of our time.

Mr.T: I wasted YOUR TIME?!

WS: We’ll see you next year where we will figure out how to properly cook a turkey.

 

The following article is a work of satire, a literary work that uses humor, exaggeration, and irony to mock, criticize, or poke fun at a social or political trend.  All facts, details, quotes, and statistics are made up by the author.