Thanksgiving is back and better than ever! Last year we interviewed a real-life Turkey and learned the truth about vaccines. After all the craziness of last year, we are back with Mr. Turkey for the fourth year in a row to get the inside scoop on everyone’s favorite holiday that nobody ignores or skips over: Thanksgiving.

WingSPAM: Hello, Mr. Turkey. We are happy to be back in person for our annual thanksgiving interview!

Turkey: Oh, Um… Actually, it’s Ms. Turkey now.

WS: What? We don’t think we heard you correctly. Can you please repeat yourself, Mr. Turkey?

Mr. T: I was just letting you know that I am a Ms., not a Mr.

WS: But how did that happen? Was it a medical accident?

Mr. T: No, no, it’s nothing serious I assure you. I jus-

WS: NOTHING SERIOUS!? You changed genders!

Mr. T: No, I have always felt this way. I am just embracing it and showing everyone who I truly am. I use she/her pronouns now. What are your pronouns?

WS: Pronouns? We don’t believe in those.

Mr. T: Well, everyone has pronouns. It helps others identify us, and it makes us who we are.

WS: Well, who you are is MR. TURKEY.

Mr. T: No, that was who I used to be, but now I am more comfortable with Ms.Turkey. I no longer use the name Meleagris. I would prefer to be called Meleanie

WS: You can’t just change your gender overnight!

Mr. T: For the record, it was actually a long process and it took me a lot of time to figure out who I am. But thankfully there was a wonderful community willing to accept me.

WS: Whatever, let’s just get on with the questions, MR. Turkey.

Mr. T: Again, I’m Ms-

WS: Let’s get started with the most recent election. What do you have to say? Hmmm?

Mr. T: I was more prepared to talk about Thanksgiving. I don’t have much to say about politics.

WS: But this race was SO close! And Pennsylvania was a key state.

Mr. T: Well, I know that, but I’m not super interested in politics.

WS: But PENNSYLVANIA!!!

Mr. T: Ok, but what does this have to do with Thanksgiving? Instead of changing the topic, can we just focus on being thankful?

WS: If you can change your gender, then we can change the topic.

Mr. T: Those are two completely different things. I am still the same turkey that the readers know and love.

WS: Oh, you’re just going through a phase. You’ll be back when you’re older.

Mr. T: People grow and develop all the time. You can’t force everyone to stay the same forever.

WS: We can change. Our hair is like way different now.

Mr. T: It grew an inch.

WS: EXACTLY! That’s a BIG change.

Mr. T: Well, then why can’t I grow as a person?

WS: Because you’re a TURKEY!

Mr. T: I can still live my true self and embrace it.

WS: Well if you can change, so can we.

Mr. T: Excuse me?

WS: Yeah, that’s right- we’re Weaponized Battle Toasters now.

Mr. T: That is so not the same thing! Gender is a completely different concept and you, as responsible journalists, should accept others’ identities. It is a topic that people especially now need to understand.

WS: Since you like change so much, why don’t you open a bank?

Mr. T: This is not a joke.

WS: YOU need to calm down, Mr. Turkey

Mr. T: I was calm until you started being transphobic. I know you always had a little slip-up each year, but you are usually reasonably respectful about it. But purposefully not calling me Ms. Turkey and trying to compare your “change” to mine is totally different.

WS: Then why even mention it?

Mr. T: You misnamed me at the beginning of this interview, and I simply gave you the information you didn’t know. And I want others to see how coming out isn’t that bad. But you, The WingSPAM, are making that hard for me, especially considering you are supposed to be unbiased in interviews.

WS: What would you know about being unbiased? Hmmm?

Mr. T: A lot actually. I try to be open-minded and neutral most of the time.

WS: Sure, Mr. “Save all the Turkeys.” 

Mr.T: Hey, we BOTH founded that organization.

WS: That is true, but we don’t follow up on that sort of thing anymore.

Mr.T: What happened to you, what happened to the Wingspam who agreed with me on vaccines? 

WS: We don’t know what you’re talking about. You sound insane.

Mr. T: You’ve got to be kidding me- if you can change your views on all these other things, what’s stopping you from changing your views on this?

WS: Ah- Well, it’s in our-

Mr. T: How would you like it if I called you something else, then? It was such a pleasure to meet with you, Sping-Wam. I’ll be taking my leave.

WS: But that’s not our name!

Mr. T: Oh, I’m well aware, but I can’t get myself to muster up quite the same respect as I did for you before. I’ve sat through all of these interviews while you’ve tried to-

WS: P-Please! Please, we’re sorry, we just… 

Mr. T: Now then, do you know how it feels to be disrespected like that? Do you feel the same thing I feel when you keep calling me Mr. Turkey?!

WS: I guess you do have a point… We’re very sorry, Ms. Turkey.

Ms.T:  I’m glad you’ve finally realized. Why were you making such a big deal out of it? It’s not like I was a completely different person I just started using the pronouns and name that is more comfortable to me. Coming to terms with being trans was already a rough path but having others around me who don’t accept just makes it rougher. 

WS: We will try Ms. Turkey. Being trans is a much bigger topic than I think we were prepared for today. We would be willing to learn and understand the whole concept a bit more. 

Ms.T: I will be willing to teach you all anything. Being trans is a learning experience for everyone. 

WS: We will be in touch about a learning session and next year’s article. Thank you for talking with us. 

Ms.T: Thant will be great. Talk to you soon!

The following article is a work of satire, a literary work that uses humor, exaggeration, and irony to mock, criticize, or poke fun at a social or political trend.  All facts, details, quotes, and statistics are made up by the author.