Oh, Thanksgiving, a wondrous day of… giving…  to your loved ones! Delicious food, uncomfortable turtleneck sweaters, that one uncle you met when you were at a Christmas party around the age of 5 and when you go to greet him he says “Wow, you’ve grown so much since the last time I saw you” and then he gives you an awkward high-five in which your parents make you hug him instead. Last year we spoke to a real-life talking turkey about the history of Thanksgiving, and this year, he is going to talk to us about hosting Thanksgiving through a pandemic.

WingSpam: Well hello and Happy Thanksgiving to you Mr. Turkey. It’s nice to see you again.

Mr. Turkey: It’s nice to be back.

WS: So tell us, how do you think we should celebrate Thanksgiving this year?

Mr. T: I believe that we do not need to host Thanksgiving dinners. There is a pandemic still going on for a reason. 

WS: Right, so how do we host one safely?

Mr. T: A Thanksgiving Zoom, Google Meet, or any type of virtual call session is a great alternative. That way, you can talk to family without getting others and yourself sick.

WS: Ohhh so virtually? But why host virtually when the experience is better in person? And what about masks!? Can’t we just be in person and wear masks?? Since that’s what everyone is preaching about.

Mr. T: Well, first of all, you can’t get COVID over a video call–

WS: That’s what they all say.

Mr. T: Right… And if everyone wore masks and properly quarantined themselves right when the pandemic hit, then we wouldn’t even need to be continuing these precautions in the first place. 

WS: So you’re saying don’t celebrate Thanksgiving this year?

Mr. T: Do not celebrate in person, but rather, celebrate over a virtual call. 

WS: Virtual call? That idea is ludicrous. 

Mr. T: Ludicrous? What’s ludicrous is how the entire country is still being affected by COVID-19! The virus is still out there, and according to Coronavirus Updates, we are seeing cases spike  49.4% as of November 22nd, meaning there are currently over 12,249,376 cases in America alone! 

WS: ‘Merica number 1!

Mr. T: If Americans continue to treat the virus as a measly cold, those numbers will rise significantly. 

WS: Yeah, but it’s not fair. 

Mr. T: I understand how you feel about staying home and not having a Thanksgiving, but you should consider the greater good. The quicker we get through this, the faster we can go back to our normal lives. 

WS: But it’s unfair to the people who prepare the Thanksgiving meal! And what about the people who want to visit family? Isolation isn’t fit for everyone, you know. Also, it takes away the freedom of the people! I am an American citizen and I have the right to leave my house if I want.  This ain’t about them- this about me! This is just a bunch of bologna!

Mr. T: People who think like that are exactly why the pandemic is still going. 

WS: So you expect me to be locked up in my house forever!? 

Mr. T: You’re talking to a turkey that’s been locked up for all their life. What about the people who couldn’t even think about Thanksgiving thanks to the spread of COVID-19. There are people who are in hospitals or in isolation because the virus is still around. Other countries don’t even reach the number of cases we have here in the States. This isn’t all about you. We are a nation, correct? Then as a nation, we need to work together to get over this pandemic. 

WS: Yes, but imagine all the food!

Mr. T: Then imagine the thousands, even millions of people who don’t even get the choice to go out and see family, let alone eat a tasty meal.

WS: Well, what if we just invite healthy people over instead? Can’t we just leave grandma at home? I mean, I don’t have the virus! And there’s no way I’m getting it!

Mr. T: Listen here, this isn’t just about not giving the virus to old people. Even if there are no symptoms, you could still be carrying the virus. 

WS: Because the virus isn’t real.

Mr. T: Excuse me?

WS: That’s right! The mask is off. I’m exposing this global hoax! 

Mr. T: Actually I’d like for you to keep your mask. Wait, you think the pandemic is a hoax!? Are you out of your mind!?

WS: Yes I’ve been paying close attention ever since news of an outbreak began in China. I’ve been looking, and the numbers just don’t add up. 

Mr. T: Just look the numbers up for yourself! Worldmeters.info even has a live counting of all the cases!

WS: Lies!! They’re all lies! You’re just trying to stop me from having a nice Thanksgiving with my family. 

Mr. T: Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound right now? I assure you that the CDC has been taking numerous measures to make sure we can all stay as safe as possible. 

WS: That’s what they want you to think! But I know- I can see through their lies.

Mr. T: And what are these lies, if you mind me asking?

WS: The lies are– (a loud noise could be heard in the background) WHAT–

FBI: FBI OPEN UP

Mr. T: WHAT!? THE FBI!? 

FBI: We have been monitoring the entire meeting and this reporter here has violated code 10100102003102. 

Mr. T: Code what now?

WS: You cannot silence me! Do not take away my freedom! The truth– The truth!!

(The Zoom screen of the reporter went black.)

Mr. T: Is this some badly written script or something?

(The Zoom screen of the reporter turns back on.)

WS2: Hello, Mr. Turkey. Where were we?

Mr. T: Excuse me, who are you!?

WS2: Whatever do you mean? Oh, you must be referring to when my connection cut out a short moment ago? The wifi has been acting up lately, hasn’t it?

Mr. T: Uhuh… Yeah. NO–

WS2: Going back on topic, you were saying how we should not celebrate Thanksgiving but rather, have a virtual call to keep ourselves and others safe?

Mr. T: No, I said DON’T- oh wait yes. Wow, sorry, no one ever listens to me. I’m so used to arguing. 

WS2: I’ve been listening the entire time, and I must say that I 100% agree with having a virtual Thanksgiving.

Mr. T: Right… Um– Please stay safe for these holidays and stay at home! The numbers are increasing and we need to get over this pandemic together. If you want to hang out with friends and go out, then wear a mask, wash your hands properly, stay away from people and if you do get in contact with the virus, quarantine yourself! 

WS2: That’s right everyone, stay safe, stay locked up, and don’t come outside unless absolutely necessary. And that concludes the interview with Mr. Turkey. Is there any other input you would like to share? 

WS: I’M BACK. You can’t keep me quiet. You will see! You all will see! The truth will be revea–

Mr. T: What was that?

WS2: Nothing. It must have been a glitch. Thank you, Mr. Turkey, for your time and I will see you later for dinner. Gobble Gobble.

Mr. T: Well, that was offensive… Alright, thank you.

Make sure you and your family are following safety precautions this holiday season. Put the safety of yourself and others above your wish to celebrate traditionally, and please, have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving. 

The following article is a work of satire, a literary work that uses humor, exaggeration, and irony to mock, criticize, or poke fun at a social or political trend.  All facts, details, quotes, and statistics are made up by the author.