We as a species have begun as weak and fragile. The smallest cut could mean death, and our bones could easily break with enough force. On top of that, we were actively hunted down by other predators. And yet we survived, by inventing things that allowed us to fight back. We’ve had some terrible inventions along the way, but we’ve also had some great ones throughout the years. Some of these inventions are questionable and rather peculiar, and others are just completely unnecessary. The list below is the greatest hits of our misses.

Grass Soda 

Grass Soda was made because people, for some reason, really wanted to know what grass tastes like, so they made it a soda. According to an article made by Observer, taste testers said grass soda had “a chunky flavor” and “tasted like a mild peach.” Also, according to those reports, it was actually good. So if you ever have the heavy urge to know what grass tastes like, good news for you. The worst thing that can come from this is a severe addiction to freshly mowed lawns. 

Glow-in-the-dark toilet roll 

The glow in the dark toilet roll does exactly what its name suggests, absorbing light in the day and then using that light energy to glow a vibrant green in the dark. There’s nothing much else to say about this: it literally just explains itself. I didn’t even know we had this kind of technology, nor do I know why this exists. Maybe it’ll help bathroom users locate the toilet paper in times of a power outage, or maybe someone just wants to prank their friend into thinking that their toilet paper is possessed by the spirit of the Charmin Ultra Soft bear. 

Mosquito laser 

Everyone hates mosquitos; I’d even go so far as to say that they should go extinct. Sure they pollinate flowers and help the ecosystem, but bees do that better, and without the blood-sucking part. This device can zap down any approaching mosquitos and prevent disease from spreading. It’s a fantastic idea. You could just try to hit one down with a swatter, or you can shoot ‘em down with a beam of light. It’s strange to have a laser in your home dedicated to ending the entire mosquito population living out in your backyard, but it’s an oddity that I think everyone should invest in. 

The pet rock 

Unlike mosquitos, the pet rock is something we can all love. It stays there, does its thing, and you can be on the other side of town doing your own thing. It’s like a turtle, but more entertaining (apologies to any turtle enjoyers out there). You can vent to it, you can throw it, you can probably hold it for ransom, you can virtually do anything with it. Keep in mind, though, that you can’t just neglect the poor thing; you have to feed and clean it every so often. Also keep in mind that it will outlive you, your family, your sons and daughters and grandchildren, and generations after. It will see the end of time and maybe the beginning of a new universe. We are but a speck of dust in its march through time. Oh, and also remember to clean its enclosure every two weeks or so.

Splayd, or the grand unification of cutlery 

You’ve heard of the Spork, but what about the spife? Or maybe even the Knork. Perhaps you’ve even heard of the mightiest of them all, the Splayd, with its combined power of all three utensils. Want some spaghetti? Use the Splayd. Want to scoop up some ice cream? Use the Splayd. Want to get away with a crime? The Splayd’s got it covered. It’s the jack of all trades and potentially a weapon of war. 

Kolibri firearm 

The Kolibri was made in 1914 and is one of the smallest guns in the world, measuring about 2.8 inches in length and each bullet being 2.7 millimeters. It was made as a self-defense mechanism that could fit in a handbag but has less impact than a regular punch. Now, something that has the same impact as a water droplet isn’t really the best self-defense weapon. At that point, you’re better off just throwing it at the offender, or maybe throwing your coins at them–that’ll leave a bigger dent than this ant of a firearm. Scrap that, I reckon that an ant could do more damage than this thing. 

The Mass-Shaving Machine 

The Mass Shaving Machine is a machine that can shave up to 12 people at once. A mechanism that allows you to shave with your friends sounds marvelous. No longer will you have to shave alone in the cold confines of your bathroom, thinking to yourself, “God, I am so lonely.” It’s a dream come true! However, the only information that I can find about this invention is that a comedian by the name of Eric Sykes showed this product off in a 1960s show that never saw the light of day. Out of all the inventions on this list, the Mass Shaving Machine is shrouded in mystery, and to some extent, that scares me. 

Bob Semple Tank  

During WW2, the residents of New Zealand feared a Japanese invasion, and so, a man by the name of Bob Semple designed a tank to fend off the invaders. The result was a metal box on wheels. During The reveal of the tank, the residents of New Zealand started to laugh at the thing. It was slow, inaccurate, and overall a terrible idea that should’ve just stayed as a dream. Thankfully, there was no Japanese invasion, so in some way, the Bob Semple tank was successful, as not a single one was destroyed. 

Slugbot  

The Slugbot was invented in 2001 as a way to get rid of slugs that harmed crops. Sounds good. The strange part about this is that it grabbed the slugs, put them in a container on its back, and then uses them for energy. After it has finished its job, it then unloads the container and ferments the slugs for another day of the harvest. A good idea, but this thing thrives off the killing of the local slug population.

The Baby Cage  

The last invention on this list is the Baby Cage. Invented in 1922, the baby cage was intended to give babies fresh air away from urban pollution. But instead, it put them in greater danger and maybe led to some trauma. Even before the baby cage was invented, mothers bought cages that dangled off the side of the building for their children. Eleanor Roosevelt even participated in this “trend” in 1906. Even worse, she saw no problem with it, being shocked when her neighbors were trying to be responsible people and call her out on her parenting. The most surprising part about this invention is that there were never any reported deaths or injuries that arose from it, so maybe Roosevelt had a point. 

Making this list has made me come to the conclusion that we have far too much power, and that we should probably stop inventing things such as the “Splayd”. We have the potential resources to fight back against climate change and world hunger, but instead, we waste them on things such as glow-in-the-dark toilet rolls. So while the world is ending, we should just take a seat and watch it all unfold over a nice refreshing drink of grass soda.