As time passes, we learn that moments of our past, although regretful, ultimately help us mature and build our character for the future. Some of those memories bring us a sense of joy, some embarrassment or melancholy, while others are so downright painful that we oftentimes wish we could forget them forever.
Please know that the pain you go through is evident that you are truly living. Everything happens for a reason, it just takes time for that reason to appear.
It’s true what they say, that our past defines who we are. My past is not one I really wish to dwell on, but once in a while it resurfaces, and I realize how impactful the moments that I lived through help create who I am today. Growing up, I always wished to run away from the loud static displayed on the television. The only times the static would disappear was when cartoons would play from the screen, allowing me to escape the noise just for a little while.
I have come to enjoy the smaller things in life, rainy days, the reflection of rainbows off puddles from the ground, an extra nugget in my nugget box; it all stems from how I grew up. I’m sure many of you can also relate. I didn’t get to experience the full kid package while growing up; family trips, new clothes… Honestly, I don’t even know what kids did for fun. The only memorable things I was able to do were build pillow forts and watch cartoons– but because I had a limitation to being a kid, I am much more appreciative of the finer things in life.
Not only was I able to become more aware of what’s around me, but I also became more mentally mature than most kids. Even though you might think that maturing earlier is a positive trait, I lost a part of myself. I was forced to grow up faster than the others around me, and for many here at NAHS, that too is their reality. To be a child of immigrants, where money was the main issue of our troubles along with the dabble of addiction, I wished so much to have a happy childhood, but sadly, this wish never came true. Looking back, I’m jealous of those who were able to enjoy their childhood, but I remind myself that, although I had a rough upbringing, I am more level-headed, and can adapt to situations others might not be experienced with.
I’m not ashamed to say that I put a barrier between myself and others, but I am afraid to let people display on my screen of vision. Always switching back through channels to find that annoying, yet comforting static, I would rather let the noise play than see others in my view. As I continue to grow, the barrier will crumble– I have made friends who I cherish dearly and have trust in! But I know it’ll be a while until it fully comes down, but that’s okay. Healing and accepting oneself takes time, and I am willing to put the effort into making myself more vulnerable, for others and myself. I hope those who are struggling with similar issues also take time for themselves and value your worth just as many others do. Know that you are cared for and that even if you believe you are fighting this battle alone, you’re not.
Everyone goes through a dark time in their life, but believe me, no matter how deep or dark that place may be, know that there is light at the end. You can always escape. Although I am still growing, the static still remains, but I do not mind it. I know that it will stick with me, forever and always, so I just have to accept it.
I am who I am today because of my past, and no matter how much I wish to change it, no matter how much I wished to have a normal childhood, I have learned to accept who I am and will continue to live with it.
The static is me, and I am the static.